(Take two. IE got fucked up. Bravejournal does not save drafts automatically. Trying to be calm. Trying to cope with my angry brain cells.)

 Yesterday's report showed both my villages, Ragamumu and Ragamuff being attacked by power driven life forms while I was away for 2 days. And since I demolished some of my crannies to give space to the other buildings, my attackers got away with most of my resources. FTW! And now my reputation as one of the best resource keeper in my alliance is now stained with ugly reports. I was cussing while reading the reports to keep myself from hitting the monitor with my retreat souvenir. So I want to blame the retreat because I don't have any other things or people to blame. Fuck.

The retreat was.... lethargic. I can't think of any word to best describe the activity. The facilitator told us that the retreat was for us to relax and rest. So I did what he said. I relaxed and rested even during the sessions.  So basically, I was sleeping most of the time. (Was only following orders.) The facilitator too was kinda whimsical…no..she was not whimisical but I think she thinks that she is. She laughs at the end of every sentence. I always thought she’s a cretin from the moment I saw her laughing alone while eating the rice cake.

 The retreat was uhmmm…useless for me. Everything they said about loving each other, loving thy neighbors, loving thy god, helping each other out and making each other happy through unconditional love were totally crap. I am sorry but I am not palpable. I do not trust my heart because my heart is always biased. I trust my innards instead, because I know they would never betray me. LOL. Everybody there, except me, was foolishly sentimental. They cry even on the most not-so-emotional-stuffs. They cry because that is what retreats are for.  Retreats make you cry. Retreats make you feel bad. Retreats make you remember the evil things you did. Retreats make you feel you are sinful. Retreats make you think the world you’re living is cruel. And listening to instrumental music would not save you from hell.

I thought being confined in a very lousy environment would bring me to the gates of salvation. I thought that my heart would suddenly give in and pump Christian blood again. I thought my ears would never ever hear uncouth words. I thought my eyes would see the beauty of being moral, of being the paragon of justice, chastity, virginity, purity and prudence. I thought my mouth would open on its own as prissy words flow out from it. I thought my hands would stop touching the evilness of this world and instead create something out from love.

But no!

I could not stop my heart from loathing the world and everybody living on it. My ears always hear the wickedness of this world whispering gently on me. My eyes always see lust ogling, as we drown in each other’s retinas, nearly giving in. My mouth, unstoppable and as always cussing, evil as always, because I was born with the devil’s tongue. And my hands always throw dirty finger to everyone, even to the most innocent inanimate object.

I am sorry. But at this point of my life, the black watercolor seems dominant. I could not see the light because I am not letting it go through me. I am the darkness that is unstoppable.  I am not pure. I smile and celebrate on somebody’s downfall.

You might say that I’m so cruel and evil. I guess I am. And it is neither because I do not believe in a god nor because I’m a product of violent cartoons, but because sometimes you need to hate and live in darkness to be able to see things in a brighter perspective. But at this point, I’m still inside this darkness and I do not know when to get out.  And I could not see the light. Cruelty of this world has overshadowed everything. Even the most vibrant smile.